"64,280 Dresses"

I have seen A LOT of wedding dresses.

And bridesmaid dresses and mothers' of the bride dresses and mothers' of the groom dresses...you get the picture! Those are more delightful stories for the future but let me share with you one of my heavenly visual confections called:

The Victoria Secret Dress

This dress is guaranteed to make all men's eyes pop out, tongue flop over, drool seep out of their mouth and nose, face turn blue from forgetting to breathe and become speechless unless you count,

"Ahh...um.....ahhhh.....ummmm.....ga.....sii......." as a conversation.

This dress makes women's lips thin, eyes turn into slits of pure jealousy, arms and legs get stiff and jerky with resentment and they are purposely speechless because even a threat of a nuclear bomb being imploded on their head will not make them gush,

"Your dress is SO sexy gorgeous and you look fabulous."

What they really want to say succinctly,

"That dress makes your boobs look small and what were you thinking with all that lace? You look like you are wrapped in gauze bandages."

 A smug smile appears as they teeter off into the church on their Vera Wang pink passion high heels.

These dresses should have a warning label on them.

Warning:

 If any breath is taken it may cause body parts to become uncovered. Public safety is threatened and bodies may fall down around you so be careful where you step. Strangers may approach you (mostly men) and use false words in regards to the dress and occupied owner of dress. Beware of zippers, button holes, hooks since their stability is determined by your bust size.

I have seen brides in these dresses and honestly, the second thing that pops into my head besides, 

"Wow" is,

 "This is soft porn going down the aisle of the Mission Church. I have to warn the priest right now!"

I scamper back to the sacristy of the Mission and pull on the arm of the unsuspecting priest into the confessional where no wedding guests, family members or tourists floating around can overhear me. I begin with,

"Oh my gosh! Your celibacy days are over today!"

The priests only reaction is for his eyes to get big and round and his mouth to form a silent, "Oh!"

"It's about the bride. Her dress is a little revealing. Actually, she is about to pop out of the top part of her dress any second. We may have a wardrobe malfunction when she sits, kneels, exchanges rings with the groom or basically does anything." I explain to him.

The priest just says,

"Oh!" 

He keeps looking at me to save his soul from instantly going up in flames when she comes walking down the aisle on her father's arm. Wanting to save him and his soul in this situation, I tell him,

"Right. Since she won't put on a shawl, overcoat or plastic garbage bag; I will tell her she must put her flower bouquet up under her chin the whole time while she is in the church. When we get to the ring exchange part, just go super super fast through that part and don't let them get all mushy and cry. Time is of the essence to get the flower bouquet back in place under her chin. By the way, did you take your heart medicine today? Do you have any smelling salts or a nitroglycerin pill handy?"

The priest promptly assures me he did take his medication and agrees to do Star Trek warp speed with the rings to get this femme fatale rapidly married.

As I position the bride at the front door of the Mission steps, a late arrival male guest lopes towards the opening. He literally skids to a stop when he spies the bride standing there and sputters,

"Wow! You look hot."

The bride giggles and I had to agree with him. She did look hot but I think on your wedding day you should be gorgeous, beautiful, glowing, breathless, ethereal, or even delectable. People around you shouldn't be worried that your two big, soft, pink and white appendages were going to pop out any second with no notice.

We made it through the wedding with the priest swiftly recovering his composure  and maintaining a healthy heart beat when he finally did see the "full glory" of the wedding dress and bride. I love all the wedding dresses in any length, shape, off the shoulder or up to the neck, satin or silk, lace or tulle, beads or buttons because it is the woman's heart inside the dress that really matters.