An Ad in the New York Times

If I were to run an ad in the New York Times, this is how it would read!

Job Description

Lisa Pimentel Johnson, the Queen of Love, is a leading interactive wedding coordinator based in San Luis Obispo, CA. I work with some of the world's most recognizable brides and grooms including families from all over the world and a few from space as well.

Me:

~Deep interactive expertise with extensive bride/groom experience.

~Fun, happy and spiritual background with a history of a successful marriage.

~Involved with small/large-scale weddings, saving the bridal couple from social faux pas, and dismantling each other before the wedding.

~Can cut through the crap and will tell you what you need to hear even though you don't want to hear it.

~Adept at coaxing, prodding and motivating with sugar the youngest of flower girls.

~Want to be in on couple meetings from the beginning and work through any floral, photographer, "OhmyGod, I Hate My Hair," or "What was my mother thinking?!" crisis'.

~Possess a solid shoulder to cry on and unlimited hugs.

~Hungry for exciting work with couples over the moon in love.

~If needed, will lock drunk grooms, screaming bridesmaids, nasty mothers and overly obnoxious fathers in the confessional during the wedding.

~Not responsible for lost camera's, lost virtues, lost dreams or lost minds at the church.

You:

~One of you needs to be baptized Catholic and willing to be married inside the church; not in the rose bushes, riding a wave, in the creek or up in the belfry.

~Full of enthusiasm to complete volumes of paperwork.

~Love each other with no exceptions, bribes or torture involved.

~Never call me at home, stalk me in the grocery store or grab me in the Communion line at Mass.

~I am responsible only for the day, the couple is responsible for the marriage...don't forget it!

You up for it?

Call me.

Dear Daddy, I Miss You.

On this drizzly Saturday morning I am thinking of a wedding I did last year with the same weather conditions. The bride and groom were from Orange county, mid thirty's and financially upwardly mobile.

 A sentimental cosmopolitan bride in style, the dress was a sleek white satin sheath, cinched in at the waist with a soft Japanese style obi. Her hair was Audrey Hepburn pixie cut and a creamy white orchid was tucked behind the ear. The wedding bouquet was dazzling in its delicacy. It reminded me of an arrangement gently gathered from a Grandmother's garden; the delicate soft pink shades of antique roses; coral schizostylis; sprigs of lily-of-the-valley and white snowberries. A delicate sky blue forget-me-not was tucked into the bouquet as a remembrance of her father who could not be there that day. 

He had died of cancer six months prior and while the bride helped her mother pack up his books, clothes, tools, and fishing poles to give away to charity, she kept one piece behind. He had worn it to celebrate some of her families most cherished moments; birthdays, holidays, graduations and weddings. He had worn it to some of the most painful and cruel family losses; funerals, federal court, job interviews and hospital visits. 

Best of all it still smelled like him and on this day, her wedding day, she wrapped his favorite red and blue striped tie around the stems of her bouquet. Tears splashed down on the delicate petals of the soft roses, as the bride gazed down at the tie and her father's cologne wrapped around her. Everyone was crying now, touched by the loss and memories evoked by the gesture.

The groom was having his own emotional strength tested. Dressed in a single breasted charcoal grey suit with a crisp white shirt and pinned on the notched lapel was a butter yellow orchid boutonniere. He was wearing his father's navy and grey striped gold tie and family heirloom gold cuff links. His father had just passed away from cancer too...one month ago.

 Struggling to control his face as the tie was slipped on and tightened by his mother, he finally gave up the fight and broke down crying. Mother and son hugged tightly to each other as the wave of emotions swept through them. Friends standing by turned away to give them this last peaceful moment before the emotional wedding festivities begun.

The simple tenderness in remembering the two fathers in this wedding pulled on everyone heartstrings. The fathers had deeply cherished their families and the hole they had left behind was still healing. There was a sense of life's fragility and the importance of being thankful for being alive and in love.

 The two fathers were "present" in the church that day...they were "sitting" in the front pews with their families.  Where there is love, the impossible will happen and it would have been impossible not to have them there on the wedding day with their son and daughter.

Hollywood Wedding

Hollywood weddings are those couples whose address have the Southern California zip code, real movie stars or somehow connected to the film industry. I have done some traditional and some colorful, creative, "let's test my patience," Hollywood weddings. One of my more memorable experiences was the "Cheetah" wedding.

It all started a year ago when the bride called to book the Old Mission Church in San Luis Obispo for the wedding and right away, she wanted to know if a girl could be the Best Man or Best Woman as in their situation. Since there was no canon law stating the sex of the witness for the groom, I told her that would be okay. From that point on, I had very creative and unusual questions whenever this wedding was discussed or planned.

Some of my phone conversations:

The bride: "Can our little Chihuahuas be the ring bearer and flower girl for our wedding?"

My response: "No, only Seeing Eye dogs are allowed in the church."

The bride: "Oh $%#&, we have a little tux and dress for them to wear in the wedding. Are you sure?"

My response: "If only the Pope had a Labrador in the Vatican, and if he would say mass in St. Peter's church with him by the altar, we might be able to have dogs in the church."

The bride: "Does my wedding dress have to be white? I was thinking purple."

My response: (Taking a breath) Yes, your wedding dress can be purple if you like. Are you really sure about that color choice? Does your Mom know? Does the Man of Honor know? Have you talked about this with anyone?"

 

I am desperately trying to save her from herself.

The bride: "I love the color purple! My car is purple, my bedroom is purple, most of my clothes are purple and I just had my hair stylist put in a purple streak in my hair for the wedding. I think purple is perfect!"

She was definitely living in her purple world with a purple groom. Oh well, I did try.

My response: "Wow! You really love purple. Okay, it's a purple wedding dress day."

The bride: "Thanks. Can there be black flowers on the altar?"

My response: "Sure, but we call those dead flowers here in San Luis Obispo!"

Thank goodness the bride and I had a fun working relationship and she could appreciate my humor at this point.

On the day of the event, twenty minutes before the wedding is to start, there are no guests arriving and there are no family members or wedding party at the Mission. I start to wonder if I have the wrong day and time.

Finally, ten minutes before the happy memories are to begin, the groom shows up wearing an orange tux that went shockingly well with his bright red hair.

I found guests walking around the Mission grounds looking for where the "wedding concert" was going to be held and did they miss the warm up band. 

The amazing common theme of the wedding guests was their hair. Their hair was dyed like a cheetah's: yellow, black and with various sizes of brown spots! A whole bottle of gel must have been used to get the "lift" and "swoosh" in their hair.

Their clothes were very trendy, tight and black.

They were also very friendly, fun and understanding when the bride showed up 45 minutes late due to wardrobe malfunction in her purple wedding dress a la 55 staples holding it together!

I love Hollywood Weddings!

The Pirate & Sassy Wench...Part One

The Meeting

This Pirate had to loosen his buckle a little to make room for the expanding good french wine waistline; his swagger was a little slower in Nike tennis shoes and his hair was still thick but definitely sterling silver. He had weathered one divorce and decided his mistress was truly his boat...all 40 feet of her. He was new to plotting his life by the stars and was always looking for experienced sailors and a saucy wench or two to keep the deck lively. He had charted a new dream girl to pursue: a little wispy blond girl that could sail, cook and voraciously read science fiction.

The colorful flags were hoisted to announce the upcoming sailing regatta and the Pirate knew he needed a crew to race. The day dawned sunny, cloudless and calm as the crew walked out to the sail boat with igloo's stuffed with cool drinks, imported cheeses, Swiss chocolate and a few crusty baguette's. Voices were laced with laughter, excitement and anticipation of the upcoming race. A new sailor was among the group. She had been recruited by a friend of a friend and practically had barnacles growing on the bottom of her feet. Raised on the East coast near water, she had been sailing since she was barely tall enough to fit over the side of the boat. She would race her brothers to the boat every day to gain control of the wheel, kicking and pushing as they went.

It was no different today. Her eye was on the main wheel, putting her back to the harbor and let the sun and wind dance on her face. She was a tall dark brunette with moss green eyes, a rapier mind and wit and nothing like the dream girl. She didn't care about the other sailors or the Pirate and only wanted to stay on the water...forever.

The Pirate glanced at the new sailor, saw experienced hands and breathed with excitement that he just might win this race. A slight ripple crossed his face when she took the wheel and in his mind he thought,

"Why, the sassy wench!"

More to come....

The Smashed Groom

Two days before their wedding at the Old Mission Church in San Luis Obispo, John and Mary came into my office for the final pre-wedding check off appointment. Everyone was pumped with excitement and as usual, I asked them what fun social activities were they doing with their bridal parties on the day of the rehearsal.

"Oh, the bridesmaids and I are going for a day of pampering. Nails, pedicures, facials, light lunch cause you know we all have to still try and fit into our dresses,  and lots of girl talk!" exclaimed Mary.

"How about you, John? What trouble are guys going to get into it?" I asked with a smile.

He grinned and with a daredevil glint in his eye he said,

"The guys and I are going rock climbing."

"Oh?" I reply with a huge questioning look at the bride.

"It's okay Lisa. John is very careful and he knows I would kill him if he got hurt or somehow could not make it to the wedding. He has been rock climbing for a long time and I had his best friend, the best man, Ryan, also promise me that he would watch out for John too. We have it all covered." she said with complete confidence.

It's 5:15pm on the night of the rehearsal and we are still waiting for the groom to arrive. Mary is chatting with her mother and looks all polished from head to toe...the spa day was a big success going by the glow of her skin and eyes! I turn to answer a question for the priest when all becomes quiet...

Glancing over to the garden door of the Mission I see what I think looks like John. This John's face is all smashed, bloody, scraped and missing pieces of hair and scalp though. His eyes search out Mary and locks on her face as he enters the Mission hesitantly. There are catches of breath echoing around the sanctuary as John finally stands before Mary with his arms extended palms up. Mary's face is frozen in a tremulous smile as she slowly, gingerly takes his bruised hands in her own freshly polished ones and tenderly leans into John while resting her head onto his chest. He disconnects his hands to enfold her carefully and everyone could hear him say,

"I am so, so, so, sorry. It was a freak accident. I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Mary does not say anything for a few minutes but continues to bury her face in John's shoulder and just let him hold her. All the family and friends find a pew in the church to sit down and await the explosion they feel is gathering like a storm in Mary.

Mary raises her head, looks John in the eyes and says softly,

"I knew what I was getting into when I gave my heart to you. Yes, I forgive you but I need more time to get past it because now our pictures are going to be crap." 

At that everyone laughed and I leaped on the forward motion and lightness of spirit to begin the rehearsal but half way through, John surprised us again. During the part when only the bride and groom are at the front of the altar to exchange rings, John stops the rehearsal. Looking piercingly at Mary, he says,

"Mary, I just want you to know how much I love you and for being truly sorry for the sad state of my face, I have something special for you."

John reached into his pocket and awkwardly pulled out a diamond heart swinging on a silver chain necklace that took him ten minutes to put on with his slightly crushed hands. We all sensed that this had to be done by him only and cheered them both when his task was complete. 

Yes, love gets bruised, smashed and beaten but it can still survive and take you to new heights!

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

You are not going to believe where I saw this! It resonates with me on so many levels. I have quoted this so many times with the couples that come banging on my door to get hitched in a building that is over 200 years old.

Clear Eyes

Do we all see our partners with clear eyes? Do we see what we want to see or should be seeing or are hoping to see? Clear eyes see every little bump, every little freckle and every flaw that makes us human. If you can accept that person exactly how they are; understand that you will differ on subjects, way of doing things and personal taste; know that they will spend money on stuff you will never understand and have quirks that are most of the time adorable, you do see clearly the person standing by your side.

Full Hearts

You must be passionately in love from the roots of your hair to your stubbed toe with your mate. Real passion does not die either. It develops into this rich, warm, soft cashmere blanket that wraps around both of you. Passion is what makes a couple work hard through the communication disasters, money catastrophes, job stresses and human flaws to get to the love that was buried under life's junk. With a full heart you can trust that you will never be alone and somebody is always there with a hug, kiss or three simple words..I love you.

Can't Lose

Life and love are a leap of faith. We don't know where we are going and we don't know if it is all going to work out. Faith helps us to get out of bed in the morning to try this thing called life and love helps us to do it with a smile. You can't lose if you are willing to do the work, see life clearly and do it with a full heart.

By the way, where I found the quote was in the men's football locker room at a high school in Texas. Ain't that something, sugar!

X Marks the Spot

The girls knew they were running late. Today was the WORST day to run late. They also knew that Mike (the Proposer) was very mellow, laid back kind of guy and would probably not be too hard on them that they were getting off 3 hours later than the time promised. They also knew he had planned out a very special proposal plan for that day and their timeliness was critical for the plan to work. 

 What Mike didn't know was:

Five girls will never, ever, leave on time. 

Cell phone reception in the mountains is like trying to call Mars. 

Five girls wanting to read a map...one in a million. Five girls having to read a map for the proposal to work...one in a gazillion.

Clues being lost, moved, removed on a public trail will be mighty tempting for some. Better put Smokey the bear, Fang the Wolf, Snoopy or Tweety Bird on guard.

Your Wingman might not be able to make that one very important call to tell you that your bride is headed up your way...by mistake.

The Explorer tore up Highway One dodging happy campers, casual weekend drivers, incredibly fit bike riders (some of the girls checked out that scenery) and barely noticed the beautiful rugged coastline of waves crashing on the beach and pampas grasses blowing in the breeze. They made it to three of the clues and decided to "jump" to the last clue since it was getting late. Jen, the Proposee, ran up the trail, barely feeling the branches scratching her arms and legs in her haste to get to the waterfall spot. All of a sudden, crouched by a rock, she sees Mike and squeals,

"Hey Mike! There you are sweetie."

Mike turns around in shock that he has been spotted and in the wrong place.

"You don't see me. Pretend you never saw me." Mike quickly replies and dashes back down the trail.

"Oh...bye," whispers Jen as she watches her sweetie leap frog down the trail as if a swarm of bees are after him.

Jen goes over to the last clue and reads that she actually needs to meet him at the beach at sunset. She high tails it out of there back to the car with some more scratches on her legs and arms. By this time she has figured out what is going on and is wondering if her deodrant is still working and if the dew of perspiration is attractive.

They finally got the sweetest part right, on the beach with the sun setting, down on one knee. All the time lags, missed clues, scrapes and bruises were a good introductory to probably what marriage will be like for Jen and Mike. Sure isn't going to be boring!

p.s. I hope Jen and Mike know I love them and took creative license just a little bit with their proposal story. They are a wonderful couple and I am lucky to know them. Kisses and hugs to you both.

The Mermaid Wedding

Shoes were kicked off everywhere on the sand...black shiny pumps, purple sandals, pink strappy heels, black and white converse, brown scuffed up loafers and all different sizes of Reefer flip flops. 

Guys had their pant legs rolled up and women's skirts were swaying gently with the tangy salty air coming across the ocean. 

The sun was melting down into the waves as the groom stood in his cream summer suit at the end of a raked smooth sandy path. There were clear half filled glass vases with sand, seashells and a votive candle to mark the path for the bride to find her Merman. 

A canopy of crisp white sheet sail was stretched and tied with jute rope to four strong branches of driftwood to form a dais where sacred vows would be spoken. 

Murmurs swept thru the waiting wedding guests,

"The bride is coming! She is walking on the beach with the children."

Heads swivel and feet take a few steps in the pebbley sand in order to catch a glimpse of the wedding party. 

The bride looks like she has emerged from her home in the ocean. Her hair is long and loose with a whisper of a veil pinned with a shimmering comb. Her white raw silk dress is backless, held up with spaghetti straps and encircling her hips was a satin band made of silver and crystal bugle beads. 

Holding her hands were their daughters; giggling, while dressed in matching sunflower yellow sundresses and crowns of babysbreath placed on their heads. The brides son trailed his sister carrying five perfectly pink tulips to represent the new family they would become.

The groom's shoulders relaxed as his bride made her way along the beach, laughing and talking with the children. The guests all had smiles on their faces as they watched the Mermaid bride come stand by her Merman.

Soon it was almost over, tears shed, promises spoken, blessings wrapped around all of them. It made me remember a conversation I had with this very special couple. I asked each of them,

"How do you know this is the right person for you?"

The groom easily replied,

"When I saw her sitting on the couch reading to her children.

When I saw her eyes fill with tears as her daughter gave her a picture she had drawn. It was just a tree.

When I saw how many times she hugged and kissed her children, my daughter...and me."

The bride smiled and said,

"When I saw how he hugged his daughter.

When I saw him walking down the sidewalk with roses in his arms towards me.

When I saw him lift his mother from her wheelchair into her bed and then kiss her goodnight."

It was easy to see why these two people had found their "Adam" and "Eve" in each other and wanted to spend the rest of their life creating memories together. At the end, it seemed to make sense, as the couple exchanged a very passionate kiss, their children kicked up sand around them!

"I'm All Shook Up"

The 2008 year was a brutal year for weddings due to the huge scope of construction on the Old Mission for the retrofit. The old terra cotta Spanish tiles were removed from most of the roofs and stored on site behind stylish chain link fences in front of the church (my own favorite spot!?) and in the parking lot. Huge timbers that could be the framework for a Portugese Galleon war ship were used to prop up the church. All priceless artwork, statues, candles and anything that could add ambiance to the church were removed for safe keeping. Deep, dark, ugly pits were dug in the front of the church steps for historical excavation and engineering purposes then left, gaping wide open and unfilled. Lovely yellow streamers screaming "DO NOT ENTER" were freely tied everywhere on everything all the time. This was the eye popping sight to take in as the wedding party, families and guests arrived at the church!

My phone started ringing...

The brides were crying when they called me.

The grooms were going ballistic when they called because they couldn't make the brides stop crying.

The bridesmaids were calling because the bride was still crying and this was NOT the wedding day the bride had dreamed about since she was a little girl playing with Barbies.

The groomsmen were calling because they were pretty sure that the eight or ten of them could lift all the chain link fences and roofing tiles to another location in one hour. No mention that they were going to put it all back after the wedding or where exactly they were going to put it all.

The parents were calling and wondering in strong words will the construction be over in time for the wedding.

The photographers were calling and wanted to erect six 14ft tall flood lights inside the church since the lights had been disconnected.

The florists were calling and wanted to know where they were meant to drop off the flowers now that the parking lot was full of forklifts, trucks, dump trucks, fencing, roof tiles and a monolith dumpster for construction debris.

The musicians were calling because the electricians had disconnected the sound system and I needed to whip out my screwdriver and fix that immediately.

The videographers were calling because there were absolutely no good camera angles since everything was torn apart.

The Limo drivers were calling to see if they could get the city key to unlock the posts in the plaza so they could pull up to the demolition site called the Mission.

The brides were still crying when they called again.

I would have rather pounded all ten of my fingers with a hammer, stuck five red hot pokers in my eye and given myself a haircut with a buzz saw than answer one more wedding call.

I now know why Quasi Motto didn't want to come down from the Bell Tower. What a smart man! The retrofit was state mandated and the Mission was under pressure to get it completed by 2010. Having a strengthened church structurally, would guarantee a sanctuary for all during times of daily Mass, funerals and weddings. The good news is we married all the couples in our retrofit year, even if they were a little shook up about how it looked! 

Quasi Motto and I would have been great buddies; drinking cafe au lait in our delicate Limoges tea cups and licking the powder sugar off the beignets as we were locked away in our no phone Bell Tower!

"64,280 Dresses"

I have seen A LOT of wedding dresses.

And bridesmaid dresses and mothers' of the bride dresses and mothers' of the groom dresses...you get the picture! Those are more delightful stories for the future but let me share with you one of my heavenly visual confections called:

The Victoria Secret Dress

This dress is guaranteed to make all men's eyes pop out, tongue flop over, drool seep out of their mouth and nose, face turn blue from forgetting to breathe and become speechless unless you count,

"Ahh...um.....ahhhh.....ummmm.....ga.....sii......." as a conversation.

This dress makes women's lips thin, eyes turn into slits of pure jealousy, arms and legs get stiff and jerky with resentment and they are purposely speechless because even a threat of a nuclear bomb being imploded on their head will not make them gush,

"Your dress is SO sexy gorgeous and you look fabulous."

What they really want to say succinctly,

"That dress makes your boobs look small and what were you thinking with all that lace? You look like you are wrapped in gauze bandages."

 A smug smile appears as they teeter off into the church on their Vera Wang pink passion high heels.

These dresses should have a warning label on them.

Warning:

 If any breath is taken it may cause body parts to become uncovered. Public safety is threatened and bodies may fall down around you so be careful where you step. Strangers may approach you (mostly men) and use false words in regards to the dress and occupied owner of dress. Beware of zippers, button holes, hooks since their stability is determined by your bust size.

I have seen brides in these dresses and honestly, the second thing that pops into my head besides, 

"Wow" is,

 "This is soft porn going down the aisle of the Mission Church. I have to warn the priest right now!"

I scamper back to the sacristy of the Mission and pull on the arm of the unsuspecting priest into the confessional where no wedding guests, family members or tourists floating around can overhear me. I begin with,

"Oh my gosh! Your celibacy days are over today!"

The priests only reaction is for his eyes to get big and round and his mouth to form a silent, "Oh!"

"It's about the bride. Her dress is a little revealing. Actually, she is about to pop out of the top part of her dress any second. We may have a wardrobe malfunction when she sits, kneels, exchanges rings with the groom or basically does anything." I explain to him.

The priest just says,

"Oh!" 

He keeps looking at me to save his soul from instantly going up in flames when she comes walking down the aisle on her father's arm. Wanting to save him and his soul in this situation, I tell him,

"Right. Since she won't put on a shawl, overcoat or plastic garbage bag; I will tell her she must put her flower bouquet up under her chin the whole time while she is in the church. When we get to the ring exchange part, just go super super fast through that part and don't let them get all mushy and cry. Time is of the essence to get the flower bouquet back in place under her chin. By the way, did you take your heart medicine today? Do you have any smelling salts or a nitroglycerin pill handy?"

The priest promptly assures me he did take his medication and agrees to do Star Trek warp speed with the rings to get this femme fatale rapidly married.

As I position the bride at the front door of the Mission steps, a late arrival male guest lopes towards the opening. He literally skids to a stop when he spies the bride standing there and sputters,

"Wow! You look hot."

The bride giggles and I had to agree with him. She did look hot but I think on your wedding day you should be gorgeous, beautiful, glowing, breathless, ethereal, or even delectable. People around you shouldn't be worried that your two big, soft, pink and white appendages were going to pop out any second with no notice.

We made it through the wedding with the priest swiftly recovering his composure  and maintaining a healthy heart beat when he finally did see the "full glory" of the wedding dress and bride. I love all the wedding dresses in any length, shape, off the shoulder or up to the neck, satin or silk, lace or tulle, beads or buttons because it is the woman's heart inside the dress that really matters.

Email of Sweetness

As is my routine, I stumble out of bed at 5:55 am, slip out of my jammies, tug on a swimsuit, grab my striped swimming towel and leave the house without alarms, dogs or people awakening..hopefully. Throwing myself in the pool with eyes squished shut in goggles and a silent scream locked in my throat, I ask myself as I do every morning as I do this exercise ritual,

"Why am I almost naked in a huge bucket of water with strangers?"

Since I am already wet, I swim for 45 minutes, jump out quickly and sprint for the indoor showers. Another healthy day for mind, body and spirit.

Coffee is perfuming the air (if you love coffee you know what I mean by this) as I park in the driveway, dodge a few lazy cats and go inside the house swinging my now wet swimming gear wrapped in a towel. The man of my dreams always asks,

"How was your swim?"

from the big, white, shabby chic , overstuffed chair by the fireplace (also called The Throne).

Depending on how blue my lips are, I will cheerily respond,

"The water was ni.....c......e!" or

"I was drowned by some wanna-be Olympian guy." or

"I wonder how long I have had a hole in my swimsuit...in the back by my tush?!" or

"I think somebody poured lead into my arms and legs because I was pathetically slow." or

"The showers were nice and toasty warm!"

As I grab my cup of coffee or I should probably say, my cup of brown-sugar-creamer-coffee; I pause to turn on my laptop as I head to the bathroom to dry out the wet clothing. Sitting in my favorite pretty chair (I always need a pretty girlie-girl chair to solve life's problems and catastrophe's) I open up my email to find a message sent from my husband aka the man of my dreams:

Subject: I loves you.

Thanks for all you are, all you do and all you will be.

I loves you.

It would be life changing if every single man, woman and child received emails of love from their families and friends. Maybe forgiveness would come faster and easier, maybe kindness would be limitless and with no boundaries,  and maybe we all could then live a little happier and peaceful with each other. 

Please send a love email today to someone who needs to hear they are loved.